Staying faithful is hard to do.

I know that sounds terrible but it is true! I have been caught cheating, and even though I wish I really cared I don’t. It’s hard not to cheat on my new diet. I mean come on, NO bread, NO pasta, just a bunch of meat that looks like road kill and veggies that have a weird texture. Okay, I love veggies, but hate most of the meat! Red meat freaks me out, and I can always see the fragments of veiny shit in lean meats. ICK! Needless to say, I hate meat. And boy how I miss SODA! I am a diet soda kind of girl, but even that makes you gain weight. Anyway, back to the reason I cheated. I had a little get together with some friends this past weekend. Of course there was alcohol and OF COURSE I drank it. I love playing beer pong so I figured a couple game couldn’t hurt. Then, I had friends over for the championship football games and all they brought was junk food. I guess the easiest thing to do is blame is on the a a a alcohol but I guess I will take some responsibility and say yeah it was all me. After a weekend of being a fat ass I saw I was paying for it when the scale at the gym started crying when I stepped on it. To top it all off I am sick, so working out is the last thing on my mind. To say the least I'm a naughty girl, and it’s hard to end my disastrous affair with food. Oh my, will Adkins still love me when he hears I have been cheating on him? = ( Oh don’t worry he is wrapped around my finger and I will convince him to give me one more try!
My gym bff and I are starting Kick boxing tomorrow. Every Tuesday and Thursday from 930am to 1030am. Now that will kick my flabby booty into shape! I have been spending 2 hours 6 days a week at the gym and my confidence is finally getting boosted. Not because I have lost the weight, but because I am in control over it! Whatever I want to do I can do, and no matter how many times I fall I will pull myself back up and keep on keepin on. I am also going to start running with my Chihuahua at night. =)
My new favorite show is "I used to be fat" although I am smaller then everyone that has been on that show, it makes me think "Wow, look how great they look now, one day I'll meet my goal."
I have come to the self realization that all my issues stem from my lack of self worth. I know I have said that before but I have realized this, whenever I want to try something new my automatic thought is that I won’t be good at it. I, in my own eyes have never been smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, strong enough and the list goes on. When I am bad at something I automatically call myself out so no one else has the chance to. Even when people are joking about something I did wrong, or joke about me doing something stupid I take it all to heart because honestly I don’t think I'm good enough. My fear is that I will never be good enough for me; I'm scared I will always focus on my flaws and never on my strengths. And the sad thing is, I can be the nicest person to everyone else, I can always find something good about everyone else, but I never can for myself... no matter how many compliments I get from other people, I always find ways to disprove it. But that is way I am doing this, not just to lose weight, but to finally be the person I want to be inside and out.
Starting next post I will list one thing good thing about myself. It might be hard but it will be worth it!

Its not about YOU loving me, its about ME loving ME!

From the time I can remember I have had a weight issue. I don't blame food, friends, family, society ECT. I blame myself.

Being over-weight has always been a hard issue to talk about for me, but I am a firm believer that the first step to recovery is admitting having a problem. So, that is what my blog is all about!

I have low self-esteem, and very low self-worth. Both of which have made me an easy person to walk all over. A lot of the time I am so nice so I can make up for my lack of self confidence, I try to make other people feel better about themselves because I haven't been able to do it for myself. Has this made me a stronger, more confident person? No, because people tend to walk all over me. See, I feel like I am disposable, like everyone else. People are all about #1 and even though people use me, I continue to be their friends because having friends and being with people helps me get over my image issues. But I'm done letting people push me around and use me. This is my journey to find me, find my voice, become a stronger person, and lose the weight that has made me feel so terrible. I know its more than losing weight, it is about changing my way of thinking.

Although I am still too ashamed of my weight to tell anyone how much I weigh right now, at the end of this whole thing I will post a before and after picture along with the weight I have lost.

Diet: Adkins Diet
Exercise plan: Gym & yourshape evolved for Kinect
Goal: 120 and fabulous
Time frame: 20 weeks

My Moto for the day : Its about ME loving me, No one else matters.